I’ve thought about you. A letter to my first love.
Note: I wrote this after doing an over nighter, I have no idea why. And I’m too lazy to proofread and edit at the moment. This is not a “I miss you, come back”, this is a “I’m happy for that time we had and thank you”.
I remember the times we had. When we created the first experiences together that triggered our connection to being truly human. The first sensation of being so curious. Of being vulnerable. Going beyond than what we initially perceived. You opened my eyes. I was able to learn on how to begin. Only after that did I learn on how to learn.
Through you, I experienced joy so incredible, that it would overwhelm me day and night. I felt myself truly anxious of seeing you, seeing what the next moment was to come. Through you, I felt the ability to confide, to trust. We learned together. We developed together. You helped me build the foundation of who I am today.
It was naive, it was quite ambitious, it was clumsy, it was beautiful, it was natural, it was us feeling the world. You were my first in this existence, the one I allowed myself to completely devout myself to. My mind, my spirit, my time, my dreams, my hopes, my ideas, my sleep, my thoughts, every matter in my being that made up me.
Though as lovely as it was, I learned more than the joys of life. I felt pain, a type I never experienced at the time, but it was necessary for me in order to grow. I felt deep anger and hatred that was misguided. I felt cold. I felt as if I was nothing. I drifted from myself. I felt what it was like to be cut off from that love, that embodiment of what appeared to be two souls together. Although at the time, that was what I thought. For I never can be completely cut off from you, and you never left.
I was eventually able to rise from all of that. I took what was me, that I wanted to keep, and parts of you. I needed to leave room for me to continue changing and growing. It was a requisite in order for me evolve, not as a better me, but the person who I am today and meant to become. I was able to look back and feel slight embarrassment and light heartedly laugh at myself of who I was. To discover why I did things, and why I no longer do. To understand that the appearance of maturity was a facade of a child playing adult, and that the total acceptance of my nature was all I needed to desire and acquire. You gave me those tools, and I overlooked them as a mere side effects of being in love. But from that I learned, if you were able to love me entirely, then surely I can too.
If i can recover from that, I have changed from a simple and basic form of a human being, but to a complex creature. I can truly appreciate and understand what I have, Yes I can love fully but do it correctly and not carelessly. Know when to be foolish and what not to be foolish with. Love more, knowing I don’t have a limit. Because I was able to go beyond the original limit I thought I had before you. And I thank you for that.
You said to me, “I choose to remember the positive. we were a good team, while we had it." And we were. We complemented each other quite nicely. At the time. When we were young and learning. I mean I still am to this day. I was 14 when us began. But our time was done, we had crossed each others lives meant to meet but not for long. You gave me the support, the shove, the next step to move on to what life intended for me to see.
We are now different people from who were 6 years ago. Though I can see the parts of you from back then, that have become you entirely today. It was the you, you always wanted to be, but couldn’t see or was blocked from. The same with me. I am still learning and changing. I know that the current us, the people we were to become would no longer work together. We have to many differences, and we would compare us to who we were and our relationship was. We would grow apart, because we changed and evolved from that. We would feel contained and restrained and furious at each other, because we didn’t allow us to venture out farther then what we had. Because we thought all we had was the high point of our lives.
I’m glad that we parted ways, I have no resentment. I am glad because of how much we were able to change each other lives through it and able to continue even more today. We helped each other to become who we are as an individual in this vast universe, and also lead us to the one we were meant for in this life. And I think he thanks you for that.
Though as far as we go, you will always be a part of me. You will always be the guy who messed up my mile run in PE, because you surprised me with a guitar and bouquet asking me to be your valentine with a song you wrote. You will always be the one who told me the word ban in spanish is like the word bbang in korean. You will always be the only one to ever call me Chonda Eep. You will always be the one who showed me more music and took me to my first concert, and a screamo one. You will be the reason I know about Salvadorian food. You are the cause of why I always feel slightly self conscious of my writing. You are the origin of my natural reaction to people is to say “Stupid!” You will be my first true best friend. You will always be my first love.