I hate this
I have so much anxiety being constantly built up, it feels like a hot ball of pressure in my chest making it hard for me to breathe or even relax. Today I had to switch and arrange my shifts in order to make a meeting with my group for our project and our assignment is due tomorrow. So there is a certain level of urgency and importance. I felt bad since I haven’t been as involved into this project as I wish I could be. So I wanted to make sure I was present for this collaboration.
Though I recently just got this job part time at Wet Seal, it’s literally my second week and I had to call and arrange some shifts. It was a real hassle I assume and hard for my coworkers and someone had to come in on their day off. I felt terrible. I attempted to smooth over things by explaining the situation to my manager, but her tone of voice was so different and you could just feel the disappointment slapping me in the face. Telling me I should have told her ahead of time and other issues. That whole conversation just made me feel so uneasy. Then afterwards I felt like running to the store and just do my shift either way. But I didn’t want to disappoint my group and flake out on them. I tried to reason within me that this is a crucial part of our grade and I need to do as much as I can and get that A that I need on my transcript, onto my transfer application, to get into my school, and finish my education properly.
Then the fear for work just hit me hard. I was scared because even though I was hired for the intention as a permanent part time, I’m technically labeled into the system as a seasonal employee. As a form of insurance for the manager in case something doesn’t work out. And now I fear that the “something” might be my mishap that had occurred today. I’m freaking out because of my actions today to sacrifice work for school might actually cause me to lose my job. And right now Wells Fargo is not working out as great and hours are bad.
All I can think about is that I lose this, I lose the money I need to pay my bills, food, rent, and everything else. That means I’ll have to rely on my credit card. I won’t be able to pay off my monthly statements bill. I will have, for the first time, on my record a late/missed payment and actually have to pay interest and then possibly become in debt. I take my finances seriously and have not once been in debt to anything, but now I feel I will. I can only see now if I mess up paying payments, my credit score goes down. Any future endeavors of ever needing a student/personal loan gets rejected. A chance of applying for a better credit card rejected. A car loan, rejected. Getting a future house, rejected. Getting a possible business loan for a venture I was hoping to look into, rejected. This is all that is going in my mind.
I just want a Xanax, something anything. I want to sleep and take a nap, but I can’t. Because now I feel like something that was a hot ball of pressure in my chest has now travelled to the pit of my stomach and burning me from the inside out. I hate having anxiety. I hate this.